Guess who's pregnant...

My mom is talking on the phone in hushed tones. She hangs up and calls my aunt, who apparently didn't pick up. She leaves a voicemail "Guess who's about to be a grandma? Sean got some girl pregnant, call me for the details". Me, being the nosey person that I am overhears and I'm shocked. Sean, the son of a family friend just turned 19 a month ago. He's one of those really immature kids, that seems to be forever stuck in second grade. That fact that this man-child is about to be a father is mind boggling. My cousin, sister, step sister and both of my god-brothers have all had children before their 20th birthdays.

Teen pregnancy is nothing new. It's been seen as a societal problem for decades. What is new, is the quasi-glamorization of teen motherhood and single parenting that almost makes it appealing. Most recently, being "16 and Pregnant" makes you eligible for a reality tv show on MTV; which in turn leads to being on the cover of  US magazine. Even ABC Family is getting in on the action, with their show "The Secret Life of the American Teen". A show highlighting the struggle of a good girl who gets pregnant. Then there's Sarah Palin, who's heavily pregnant teen daughter's baby daddy issues got more media attention than Palin's  own politics of making assaulted victims pay for rape kits. And we've all seen one (or twenty) of Maury's paternity test drama episodes. I wish I could say it all started with "Juno".

Such a 'cute' movie; she gets knocked up. Finds a great adoptive home for the little baby. Falls in love with the baby daddy and closer to her family in the process. Who woulda thunk that a stripper could write such a heart warming tale? Funniest part is, I went to see that movie over winter break my freshman year of college. It was a triple date, and one of the couples hadn't seen each other in months. So as we all laughed through the movie, they had (unprotected) sex in the back of the theater...

But obviously  "Juno" isn't the cause of it. So, why is it so 'cute' to be a young parent these days? Well, there's two things. First, it could be a reflection of what's been going on for years in this country, but has generally been brushed off as a problem for the underclass to deal with. Then again, it starts with the old adage "Sex sells". It's true, sex does sell. As the consumers get younger and younger, the marketing execs have to adapt to the tweens with all the purchasing power. These young girls are dealing with the hormones that come along with puberty, rebelling against the clothes that their parents want them to wear, and trying to impress the boys by copying what the older girls (and Miley Cyrus) are doing. There again, goes the sex. And let's not forget, this is the generation that was glued to the tv as all the news reports were about Bill Clinton gettin a little head in the oval office. So obviously, with sex being so in your face and out there for everyone to see, our youth are going to experiment earlier and much more frequently. Coupled with the Bush administration's sex ed courses being about abstinence versus prevention and there we go, our recipe for disaster is almost ready.

Beyond bringing back chastity belts, I'm really not sure what the remedy for this problem is. My parents' technique for keeping me from having kids young was part my mother's threats ("I'll kill you if you bring a baby in my house. Then kick you and the kid's asses out"). And part open, early discussions about sex. They sat me down together starting when I was about 4 or 5 years old and opened it up so that if ever I had a question, I could come to either of them and talk about it. I knew all of the scientific terms and how to prevent AIDS by the time I started preschool. Obviously, thats not feasible for everyone; considering how many parents feel uncomfortable having these discussions with their children or there both parents aren't available and open to speak to about the subject. Plus, I think I was the only kid cute enough to get away with telling the neighborhood hussy to use condoms when I was still a toddler. So, that's where I run out of ideas. Let's hear some of yours

Wishing on a star

I'm wishing on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishing on a dream
To follow what it means

Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era, especially when it comes to music. I just can't relate to these musicians. Their lyricism (or lack thereof) don't reach out to me the way an old school R&B joint can. I was raised on the Isley brothers, the Whisperers, Kiss FM's "Quiet Storm"... Yo Side of the Bed just ain't cutting it, sorry boo. So, I'm sitting in my room, thinking about "cuffing season". That magical season in which guys and girls find each other, and spend winter and fall gazing lovingly into each others eyes *insert eye roll here*. Yeah, okay. But still, it is nice to have a certain someone.

So as I sit here, alone in my room with just my iPod to keep my company, it comes on. Rose Royce, Wishing on a Star. That voice! Those lyrics. If you've ever been in love, or hell if you thought you were in love, this song just reaches out and grabs a hold of you.

And I wish on all the rainbows that I see
I wish on all the people who really dream
And I'm wishing on tomorrow, praying that it comes
And I'm wishing on all the lovin' we've ever done

I know I've hurt people in this 'game' of love. Never intentionally. But it's happened. I still love those guys,  would do anything in the world for them... And by the same token I've been hurt. Not heartbroken, yet it stung. Hell, even with that dude he said I hurt him. So, do I have a right to fall in love and expect it to be easy? Is love ever easy?

My parents aren't together. Neither one of my grandparents' marriages lasted. My god parents are divorced. My aunts are mostly divorced. One of my uncles had an open affair. One uncle is on his 3rd marriage. I've never been around anyone in a "normal" relationship.  Which makes me think some more. Is there such a thing as a normal relationship? Obviously no one expects things to be peachy all the time. But do all couple fight so frequently? And, if I've never seen a fully functional relationship (and maybe the guy I'm interested in hasn't either), then should we even be together?

Where do you go to learn how to love?

I feel it's time we should make up, baby
I feel it's time for us to get back together
And make the best of things, oh, baby
When we're together, whether or never

Or maybe I've hurt/been hurt by guys that I was attracted to because neither one of us really knew what we were doing? Maybe the key isn't to get involved with anyone right now, Until I've fully decided what I want, and where I'm headed and have made myself into the best mate for someone. Then you find someone who's on that same path. Doesn't that sound lonely though? What happens if you find someone who you're really into. But they don't have the 'credentials' that you wanted in a mate. Are you assed out? If you get with them regardless, citing love as the reason, are you a fool?

And I wish on all the rainbows that I see
I wish on all the people we've ever been
And I'm hopin' on all the days, to come and days to go
And I'm hopin' on days of lovin' you so

I don't know the answers, don't know anyone that does. There's no tidy little bow i whip out now to bring my ramblings to a close. Just hoping that I find a loving, respectful man to try this all out with

Invictus, pt I

I've been neglecting to write. Not just on here, but the way I used to. And i keep making excuses for it. "No, that's too personal to share." "No, only write when you're happy, or peope will think you wallow in misery." "Wait til you clear you mind, all these cluttered thoughts ruin the  point." And then today, I had my epiphany WHAT THE FUCK AM I AFRAID OF?!?

Anyone who reads this and judges me, is a fucking idiot. I'm a 21 year old (girl? woman?) young lady trying making the world around me; one day at a time. I'm both a saint and a sinner. I've done amazing things, and some shit that makes me hang my head. The point is I did them. So, my blog will be about me. What I did, how I felt, who I helped and how I'm changing the world. I don't have to impress anyone, and I'm not going to.

And furthermore, I intend to carry this battlecry out into the front lines of my life

"You either love me, or leave me alone"

By no means, does this give me the right to be obnoxious. Au contraire. By sugercoating things, I'm being fake. That's not me and I think it's more obnoxiou to only toot my own horn. As I strive to become a better writer, I'll become a better person. And vice versa. So starting RIGHT NOW, I'm going all "Master of my fate; captain of my soul".

Searching for that fire

When I was younger, I loved to write, perform, just be the center of attention. Somewhere between 13-21 I started letting the things in my life affect me, and stopped focusing on being happy. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and being able to come up with random songs, poems, skits and stories. That creativity is what got me so far in the first place. Now, I'm lost without that passion. So, I've made the decision that if I want that fire back I'll "fake it til I make it". Pretty much, I'm going to write everyday. And even if its terrible, I'm going to post it, and keep at it until I'm amazing again (guess I never lost that self confidence lol). I don't want to have a blog just because it's the "thing" for my generation. I want one, so  that I can share everything that makes me smile; and hopefully in the process put a smile on your face too.

...So far, I'm drawing a loss. But, I'm a good storyteller so I know that won't last too long

Oooh weee, my first blogged rant

Now let me start of with this: i KNOW that i have a tendency to over-react and curse/beat the shit out of people in the blink of an eye. So, if I'm wrong please let me know.

So we're planning this vacation right? It was supposed to be 3 people, including myself. One person flaked out at that the last minute. Not even telling us that they were flaking mind you. They had to be texted like "dude, where are you?" to which they responded that they wouldn't be able to make it. Ok, made the plans without them, life goes on. That particular flake has since then ignored text messages, phone calls, and fb messages. Again, life goes on. I understand that you may be going through some personal things that a)you don't want to talk about and b) you're not ready to take a vacation right now.

Again, I want to stress that nobody is holding that against you. But heres where the shit comes in. All of a sudden today, said flake speaks to the other person going on this trip and starts asking questions, saying that they wanna go. DA PHUCK?! Bitch, you ignored us for 2 wks. If whatever you were going through was so terrible you shouldn't have been all over FB and blatantly ignoring us. What's more, if it was that dramatic, how'd you get over it so quick? And, if you felt that we all weren't close enough for you to come to and confide to us, then thats fine. But why the fuck do you want to go on an international trip with people that you don't even like?!?!

So, I spoke to my mother about it earlier today. And she told me that I was over-reacting, and that part of being a good friend is to forgive people. But that maybe I should talk to 'The Flake' myself to clear the air. Ok, I grudgingly accepted her advice... 'The Flake" was gonna go home, and try to book the same flights/cruise as us, to see if she could get the same deal. All's well that ends well, right??

So, the other girl texts 'The Flake"... No response. Hmm, ok. She emails the girl... Still no response. She's online, she's on facebook. So she's purposely ignoring us. Am I wrong to want to slap the shit out of this chick??

Part of me trying to be mature is thinking about what I wanna say, rather than rolling up to her apt right now. Even this blog! The old me would have shouted her out by name AND linked her facbeook page. But I'm not doing that. And again, I ask for your advice... How should i handle this?

This time baby....

I started a blog 9 mths ago. And I was so half assed with it, that I don't even remember what it was called. Well, as part of me starting to become the person I want to be, guess it's time to get serious about everything I start. Plus, I need a place to vent and the internet seems to be the best place to do that these days. Soo, I'll be fixing this thing up, and posting at least once a day. I mean, what else do I have to do for the time being?