Bring on 2011

It's that time again. As January 1st looms near, people are making new year's resolutions and 'promising' to change for the better. I usually refrain from the retrospectives on years past and I'm not a fan of New Year's resolutions. This New Years Eve is different in that it's the end of a decade. Between 2000 and 2010, I've

• graduated from elementary school
• campaigned for the 2000 presidential election
• saw the destruction of the twin towers
• lived through two wars
• graduated from junior high school
• graduated from high school
• entered college

Along the way, I've learned lessons about love, life and myself. Knowing that this is literally just the beginning is both exhilarating and frightening. In just a few short days I'll be turning 22 years old, and should be graduating from college in May. So, I have a few goals that I'd like to accomplish in the next 12 months, and extend into the next few decades:

1. Focus on building my brand and my presence as competition
2. Remember to stay positive, and turn every obstacle into opportunity
3. Stay healthy... physically and mentally
4. Keep all negative influences out of my life. People, places, encounters.

And my dream for you:
May 2011 bring you closer to your goals and further from the negativity


Peace. Love. Passion ♥

SNOW DAY!!!

It's already being called "Snowpocalypse 2010"; the snowstorm that shut down the city. Public transportation is delayed or suspended, roads are covered in snow and people are stuck in their houses. There's an actual MTA bus stuck right outside of my window.




I was supposed to head to Manhattan to handle a few things today, but obviously with no way to get to the city, I'm stuck at home for the time being. I'll be putting my time to use, uploading a few youtube videos and catching up on work.


UPDATE: It's now 2pm. My mom made a turkey sandwich and some hot tea for the bus driver, and put some chocolate candy in a bag and I went outside and gave it all to him. He was very grateful, said that we were the 4th family to come and bring him some food. I didn't catch his name, but he did say that he would probably have to spend yet ANOTHER night on the bus before he could be dug out and that he was praying the bus didn't run out of gas, so that he could stay heated.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas readers! For those of you that celebrate, I hope your day is filled with family, friends and maybe even some good gifts ;). To everyone, I wish you love, peace && hair grease 




UPDATE: My family hosted a Christmas party on Thursday for a few of my friends. And on Saturday (Christmas day) we had some family over. I got a new gold & ruby bracelet, a new blowdryer and flat iron (that I've already put to good use), a flip video camera, Sephora gift card, an iTunes gift card, Victoria's Secret pj's and A PILLOW PET!!!! 





If you cant tell, I'm most excited about the purple unicorn pillow pet. All in all, it was a good holiday because I was able to put a smile on alllll of my close friends and family's faces. How was your holiday?

Jack...

On the uptown train today, I saw a little girl. She could have been our child. She was just a little darker than me, lighter than you. She had hair like mine. My eyes;  your nose. Your lips too, just not as pronounced. And for just a second, I imagined what life would have been like if we’d walked down that path. As beautiful as that little girl was… I realized I was glad we hadn’t. 

I love you, but I think I'm finally ready to let you go. 

One of the most beautiful videos I've ever seen!

Found this link on twitter the other day, and the video was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. It's about empathy and how we as humans have evolved. Very powerful

To see the video, click here

World AIDS Day, 2010

Today is the 22^nd anniversary of World AIDS day. The We've come far in the 2_ years since HIV/AIDS first started attacking our community. The rate of new infections is going down, modern medicine has helped prevent mothers from passing the virus to their children during pregnancy;
Yet, we haven't come far enough. The biggest cases of infection still come from (and ravish) the black and Latino community.

I went to the Bahamas, and all I got was this blog post

FEELS SO GOOD TO BE BACK! I had an amazing vacation, but nothing beats that familiar feeling in the pit of your stomach when you come home.  Now that I’m back, it’s time to share details and vaycay pics.

Day 1: I woke up extremely early to get ready for the flight, even though everything was packed and ready to go. We arrived at the airport about an hour before the flight, making sure we had enough time to go through airport security. I had gone to the hair salon the night before, and still had the bobby pins in my hair from the wash & set. The pins set off the metal detectors, so I had to go through a vigourous pat down by a burly female security agent 0_0. After dealing with that, I literally ran down to the terminals, to get to our flight. The hour flew by, and soon I was in the air. Landed safe and sound in MIA, and headed to the hotel.

The hotel was nice, albeit creepy. This was our hallway…

Every picture came out this way...

I guess you get what you pay for, and this place was definitely cheap as hell.  On the positive side, it was safe and clean; plus had a pool which we were in ALL day, EVERY day.

Day 2: After sleeping in and swimming all day though, it was time to see what Miami night life had to offer. After hair and makeup were done, it was time to hop in a cab to Collins Ave and get some food and drinks in our system.

Are you stuffed?

Happy belated Thanksgiving guys! I hope your day was as beautiful as mine was. I actually spent most of the day drifting in and out of sleep because I'm still sick; but I was able to throw down on some of my mama's delicious food. There will be a (long overdue) post tomorrow morning, all about my vacation. For now, I'm gonna eat some leftovers, do some online 'Black Friday' shopping and rub some more Vick's on my chest. Ciao!

Vacation

Today I made my grand escape! Headed for a 10 day trip, to Miami and the Bahamas. To say I'm excited is a severe understatement. Despite some slight drama in the beginning, everything is underway. The trip was paid with my own money, and the scrimpin', savin' & going without is worth it. And as terrible as it sounds, me not having enough money to go out and eat really helped me tone down to fit into my bikini...

I haven't gone on vacation in a very long time. Knowing that I'll be getting on a plane in just a few hours is daunting. Our hotel has laptops for use, so I'll try to update for you guys, and there will definitely be a summary with LOTS of pics when I return. The Carribean awaits, and I intend to greet it with open arms. Ciao y'all ♥

Update:
I've arrived, safe & sound!! Despite some unpleasantness with the airline, I'm pleased to be here.  Gonna finish unpacking and lay out by the pool, then go play 'tourist' later on

 

What's my name ;)

I'm not a fan of Rihanna. Not her singing 'voice', her Ronald McDonald knock off wig, her persona... I could go on and on. But, I won't. Instead, I'll give her props. Despite wanting to hate it, her latest single "What's my name?" featuring Drake is stuck in my head. In the spirit of being nice, I'll share the video without making fun of it LOL

Transition

Change is all around us right now. Change of seasons, change from daylight savings, and for me: the transition to a fully independent adult. Within the next month, I'll be  moving out of my parents' house and into my own place. Truth be told, I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I feel mature enough to live away while taking care of all my grown folk issues. And I'm more than delighted at the prospect of not having to "watch my tone" any longer. 

Song of the Day -- 'Bohemian Rhapsody'

Throwback time. This song has been playing in my head for a week now, and I felt like it was time to share. Enjoy :)

It's one of those songs which has such a fantasy feel about it. I think people should just listen to it, think about it, and then make up their own minds as to what it says to them... "Bohemian Rhapsody" didn't just come out of thin air. I did a bit of research although it was tongue-in-cheek and mock opera. Why not?

“

”

—Freddie Mercury

Knuckle Rings/Multi Finger Rings

My latest fall obsession are these multi-ring/knuckle rings. They are giving me LIFE right now *said in my best drag queen voice*. Generally, when people hear things like knuckle rings, they think of



However, these rings are more like Radio Rahim's jewelry.

Big, stylish fashion pieces that... just so happen to help knock somebody out if need be... ^_^

A poem for you

Growing up, I was admittedly a tad bit melodramatic at times. Let's just call it 'teenage angst' and be grateful I grew out of it lol. I had always been drawn to poetry, so during my quasi-goth phase in 7th grade I was thrilled about the in-class discussion of  "The Raven". Dark, brooding and miserable; it introduced me to more of Edgar Allan Poe's writing and fed directly into what I (thought I) was feeling at the time. That school year, we continued to discuss American writers and I matured from my drama queen mentality to my black power phase (I also read Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man" that year).

When I was about 15 years old, I rediscovered Edgar Allan Poe.

Gratitude

When I find myself in an emotional slump –being a b*tch to everyone, only focusing on the negative – I put myself in check. I’ve developed this habit and I’d like to shit it with you. Each night as I’m laying in bed, I think of things that I’m grateful for. When I first started doing it 2 years ago, I was feeling stuck. At the time, I was working at a Fortune 500 company, and was miserable. I knew that focusing on the negative feelings would just allow that depression to fester. So one day on the train, I resolved to man up. I’d pick myself up by the bootstrap; I mean it just couldn’t be THAT bad.  From that day forward, I began to name 3 things that I was grateful for. I usually tried to do it right before I went to sleep so that I could have positive dreams and wake up refreshed in the morning. In those first few weeks, it wasn’t easy to think of things. If I’d had a particularly bad day, my gratitude statements went something like “I’m grateful I had chicken for dinner. Grateful the trains were on time.” Just really random things until I got the hang of it. As the economy sank, it became “I’m grateful I have a job. I’m grateful I can pay my bills. Grateful I have this comfortable bed to sleep on and a roof over my head”. It was simple things, but things that for so long had been taken for granted, and was being snatched away from people everyday.

As I got more into the habit and my mindset changed for the better, I upped it to naming 5 things I was grateful for; then 7, then 10. As of right now, I’m usually able to name 15 off the top of my head (the habit is that ingrained). Whenever I catch myself backsliding, I stop and list those things until I’m able to fix myself.

My apologies...

Wow, it's been a long time since I've caught up you guys up. I've been out and about, running around the city to get my affairs in order. I know I make it look easy, but it's tough out here for a girl! Through it all, there's been a lot of soul searching probing; trying to figure out what exactly I'd like this blog to stand for. To that effect, there's a multi-part post about 'branding' in the works. I've also been doing some shopping, so you can look forward to a style post this week.

At the same time, my mind is a jumbled mess. So, here's another free form post to get some stuff off my chest:

Sometimes I get these really random urges to clean my house from top to bottom. It's some deeply unconscious thing, because in the midst of it I get sudden epiphanies and bouts of inspiration. That's exactly what occurred today (I was in the middle of reorganizing my closet when I stole away to write this).


I started the cleansing in my room, and the things I've found made me smile. The notes passed to and from Sasha that didn't 'self-destruct' as they were supposed to. My invitation to join Posse; which I thought was a scam at the time. And tons of teddy bears. Each bear was a story. The ones from Joseph, Jack, Ralph, Quincy... Well, aside from the fact that a lot of guys have bought me stuffed animals, there were the ones from friends and family members as birthday presents. For my 18th birthday in particular, I asked my friends to get me stuffed animals and boy did they ever come through. So here I am, years later, surrounded my them. They've been sitting in little decorative boxes at the top of my closets, bookshelves, etc, and I think they're ready for a new home. I'm looking for charities/children's hospitals to donate them to. My bears are in great condition: no stains, rips or weird smells. Still, I'm going to wash and dry them before I get them to the little kids. This little project has inspired me to ask for help. If any of you or your friends have teddy bears, stuffed animals, toys, etc; let me know. A toy drive is a great way to get into the holiday spirit and bring a smile to young kids. Email me, and I'll even meet up with you to pick them up so we can make some children happy [=

I'm off the grid for a while

A few weeks ago, I wrote a short article (tiny piece really) about my overabundance of social networking accounts. I have profiles on Facebook, twitter, foursquare, BBM, AIM, oovoo, tumblr and here obviously; coupled with texting, emails and of course phone calls. Depsite the fact that I'm so overly available, it feels like there's more of a disconnect than ever. So, on a whim on Sunday afternoon, I disabled most of those accounts. I'm not really sure why I did it, although I have been giving it a lot of thought. Within an hour of deleting them (I got rid of facebook, AIM, oovoo, twitter and foursquare), I was feeling the disconnect. Watching tv, I wanted to tweet a quote from Bridezillas. It wasn't until I realized that I had purged the application from my phone that I remembered.

[*Note: I didn't delete text messaging, email, etc. because I still need them for my everyday life. And this blog is like my bootleg version of therapy/counseling]


Being in the dark about my friends' lives has given me time to reflect on what it is that I'm really missing. I think each of us has that "friend" that we knew way back when, but haven't seen in forever. Every time you see yet another asinine status update you want to unfriend them; but you don't because you'd feel guilty.

One confession (last day of tumblr challenge)

The past 10 days while doing this tumblr challenge have been... Well, they've been. I've been posting my progress both on here (where I do most of my blogging) along with my actual tumblr acct http://shaquanamonet.tumblr.com/. It got tedious at times. But alas, today is the final day of the challenge, and the assignment is One confession So, here goes.

A while back, I was dating this kid Joseph. He was of a different race, but that never mattered to me. He lived in the same building as this girl we went to school with. I had known this chick for 7 years by then. We weren't very close friends, but I was under the impression that we were cool. One day, the girl goes up to Joe's mother and says "Today at school, I saw Joseph kissing a COLORED GIRL!" And, that's always stuck with me.

My random Wednesday night // October 6th

I think I'm going to refer back to tonight as 'the dinner party that was should have been'. I wanted to have a nice dinner, right around midterms. Get everybody out, have a few drinks, good dinner and a good time at karaoke night. Alas, it all fell apart and only a handful of people were able to make it. So instead of going to the original venue, we opted to go somewhere different for some good drinks and OK food. Headed there,  I was sitting on the train minding my own business with my iPod in my ears; when this crazed guy gets on and sits RIGHT next to me. He's talking out loud to himself about me (apparently he thinks I'm pretty). Then he says 'that's my problem, the psychiatrist says I need to get out there more'. Homeboy then proceeds to practice asking me out... All of this is said aloud mind you, and he's facing me but not talking TO me O_O. He scared the hell out of me, and I don't get shook that easy. I get out of that train car and moved 3 cars down, just for good measure. Short time later, guess who comes into my car?!? Yupp, psycho guy.

5 people who mean a LOT to me (Tumblr challenge: day 6)

I've fallen WAY behind on my tumblr challenge. Here it is day eight, and I've just gotten around to positing day fours's challenge on http://shaquanamonet.tumblr.com/ For day Six I have to list Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever). Because I'm so very far behind, I'll keep it short and sweet:


My cat.

My best friend in the whole wide world, Chaka-Anne

Family (generally, gave me quite the interesting backdrop for the story of my life)

My 5th grade teacher (She probably doesn't remember me at all. But, I remember each of the little nuances and sayings that she taught me. She treated me like an adult, never talked down to or 'at' me. The first time somebody didn't just brush off what I had to say, and I still appreciate it.)

My exes (again, in general. Through those failed relationships, I realized what I love, what I like, what I can put up with and what I CANNOT tolerate in the opposite sex. For the most part, I still have a good relationship to each one)

Six things I wish I'd never done... (Day 5 of the tumblr challenge)

Day Five of my abandoned tumblr challenge is to write about Six things you wish you’d never done. I'm one of those ppl that likes to see the silver lining in every experience. I've gone through a lot, and I appreciate the lessons in each; because as cliched as it sounds, I learned a lesson. Still and though, there are SOME things I would like to do over

In elementary school, I strongly disliked one of my classmates. And honestly, I can't even remember why. At the time I was so fueled by my dislike for her, that in 4th grade I started the 'We hate E**** O****' club. With yours truly as founder and President, I got 6 other girls together and we had club meetings every Thursday at lunch. It was a pretty advanced operation; we had a treasurer, secretary and someone took minutes. Had we applied those skills towards a charitable organization, who knows where we'd have gone.

7 Things that cross my mind a lot (tumblr challenge day 4)

One of my worst habits is that I over analyze things all the time. So, day four four of the tumblr challenge should have been pretty easy. The task was to list "7 things that cross your mind a lot". Yet, this entry is FIVE DAYS overdue, and incomplete at that. ! I'm sorry about that, apparently im just vacuous right now


How am I going to pay off my student loans? Credit card bills? All my other bills? These questions weigh heavily on my mind at all times. Mostly because, I don't quite have the answer right now. I don't "worry" about them per se, so much as I "ponder" on it. Strategically, what's the most financially sound method to go about getting it taken care of? I have a few theories though.

Why am I so fat? This is generally in the morning, when I'm getting dressed and it feels like nothing fits. I have this conversation with myself everyday. And wearing 'fat people clothes' (otherwise known as clothes that fit) still makes me question it. I've been losing some of the weight that I put on in the last year though, so I'm not fighting to fit my jeans anymore.


Food Yes, I'm sure this is the reason for my weight weighing on my mind (see what I did there with weight/weighing? lol). The thing is, I love to eat! Going out to eat, cooking and eating. Restaurants, bistros, corner stores, takeout, pizza... It's all so damn good; and I'm always ready to eat. I'm drooling just writing about it.

Parenting skills. I'm nowhere near being a parent. Yet, I'm always wondering how I would react to certain events if I was a parent and my child behaved a particular way. I know certain things, such as my kids are forbidden to watch TV until the age of 5. And even then, only for 10 hours a week.

Eight ways to win my heart (Day 3 of the tumblr challenge)

On this third day of the tumblr challenge, I realized that... I still can't get http://shaquanamonet.tumblr.com/ to look quite the way I want it to. I'm not gonna pout though, I'll keep hope alive as I move on to day three of the tumblr challenge, which is to list Eight ways to win your heart.


I should preface this by saying I had to ask for help. I had to look at the common denominator of each of my exes... This is my conclusion

Day 2 of the Ten Day Tumblr challenge

So, I took the plunge, getting more involved with my tumblr acct, and actually getting the hang of it. You can see what I'm up to at http://shaquanamonet.tumblr.com Day Two of the tumblr challenge however, is to share Nine things about yourself which is actually pretty hard, since I shared 25 things about myself on Facebook already. I'll try to think of new ones...

1. I'm obsessed with 3 major things in life: MICHAEL J. JACKSON; purple {yes, I'm obsessed with just about any and everything purple}; and living a life filled with passion. Embrace everything you love!
2. I love really high heels. I break them in by blasting my music and dancing while I clean my house. FYI: spending the whole day sweeping, mopping, doing laundry, etc. in 5+ inch heels hurts. But when you're in the clubs looking cute, you'll appreciate it.
3. I fully intend to release my autobiography and have Oprah interview me about it on her network. Prime-time slot, no commercials. This book is gonna be big time baby!
4. My cat is the closest thing to a child I'm gonna have, for at least another decade. As such, I spoil the hell out of him. Treats, toys, free reign. He has it all. My pookie is the cutest thing (after me of course)
5. I run kinda hot/cold. I either really love you, or can't stand you. I know that's a terrible mindset, and I'm breaking myself of it. Still a tedious work in progress though
6. I want to raise my children in a culture completely different from mine. Mainly, because I want them to either have amazing British or Caribbean accents. Or, speak another (native) language like Spanish or Italian.
7. Speaking of children, that's another thing I run hot & cold on. I either want 10 kids (twins, triplets, triplets, twins. In that order). Or none at all. By the time I'm married and ready to have kids, modern medicine better be on f*cking point. If they can't assure me that I can have multiple births and each child will be born healthy and carried to term? I ain't havin' none
8. I want to live on each continent for at least a year. I'm most excited about both Africa (Ethiopia and South Africa to be exact) and Australia
9. This literally took me all day to write. I feel like everything I'm comfortable with sharing, has already been shared. The juicy, dramatic stuff? Well, you'll have to read my book and watch the Oprah interview for ^_^

Tumblr 10 day challenge - Day one

Tumblr is becoming ever popular, and there are various "Tumblr" challenges circling the interwebs. They last different days, and each day is supposed to be some profound entry, giving people an 'in' to your mind. Some of the things that people have shared are so personal and touching, it almost feels like you know them and you just want to comfort them. I found one that seems pretty cool; plus it's only 10 days as opposed to 30 *insert "hell yeah" here*. I decided to import some of the entries from http://shaquanamonet.tumblr.com/ to right here on blogspot. The theme of the first day is "Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now". Staying true to my vow not to out anybody on this blog, there will be no names. The identities can be inferred, pretty simply I think. "Without further adieu:  

Introduction to my hair

I've become totally obsessed with my hair. It wasn't intentional, actually I feel uncomfortable with long hair. Instead, it began as a purely philanthropic cause: donating my own "ethnic hair" to Locks of Love. And, maybe a challenge for myself too. Allow my hair to grow to my waist, just to prove I can. I started the process about 2 years ago, July 2008. I remember the rush I felt, logging onto hair boards and seeing black women sharing hair tips and advice, with no malice or jealousy. Lurking on hair boards gave me the quasi-support I felt I need. As a life-long natural who had NO idea how to tame my curly, dry 3B/C mane, I drank up all the product junkie Kool-Aid. I couldn't tell you how much time, money and effort went into my head (literally lol).

me, Halloween '08 *excuse the pouty face lol*

But, through it all I persevered. Two blonde dye jobs later, an (expensive) Brazilian Keratin Treatment and trial and error with my routine have gotten me right on track. My hair is about 1/2-1 inch away from bra strap length, and people are coming to me for advice about their tresses. From time to time, I'll be sharing my practices with you. Hopefully, someone out there will be inspired to take control and better care of their hair.

*blog post on how I cleared my acne in the works =]*

Free Form (rambling) Thoughts (FFT), part I

Every so often, I get so many disjointed, rambling thoughts in my head at once that i just feel the need to let them out. They're in no particular order, and tend to be pretty selfish. Here's a peek into my psyche:

--> I really want those noise canceling headphones. What's more important, my cheapness frugality or the ability to concentrate while doing HW/readings on the train?

<-- How am I gonna tuck my hair up under the wig that I want? Jeez, what if it doesn't look good on me?

--> How come every time I start doing things, it becomes hot? I talked about my online courses, now EVERYBODY is doing it. Damnn, let me rock.

<-- these Hebrew lessons are on the back burner. I should register with a synagogue to keep me on track

--> "Good riddance to bad rubbish"

<-- How much does a pug puppy cost?

--> I have a belly dancing kit somewhere in my room. Castanets, mood music... Great ab workout. I should get on that


<-- Does e*Harmony really work?! I keep joking that I'm gonna sign up. Maybe I really should...

--> I need a pedicure

<-- I think I'm over the 'Blue Hawaii' drink at BBQ's. Seriously, it's overkill at this point.

--> Can you pledge a sorority in grad school?

<-- How early is too early to make up Christmas lists and start scooping out deals?

--> I wanna go to Atlantic City this weekend. Too much on my plate to make that feasible. But, still

<-- I'm hungry

--> When I was younger, there were more left-handed gadgets. Hell, even Ned Flanders had the leftorium

September 24th, 2010

So, my life is pretty random. That was the whole point of me starting a blog,to share all the 'huh?' stuff I see on an everyday basis. Let's take today for example. I wake up (late) and look out the window. I see people walking up & down the block wearing long sleeved shirts and/or jackets. I don't look at the weather reports, ever. So, I take the outfits I see as an indication of how today feels. I rush around, get dressed in a long sleeved, ribbed black shirt and jeans; and race out the door. Once I get outside, I realize ITS HOT! Okay, I'm already late, so there's no time to change. I make it to the salon and realize I'm even later than I thought. The wax lady takes me into the room and fixes me up. Along the way, she tells me to 'man up' and that 'it doesn't hurt so bad. You're 21, you should be used to it by now'. Honestly, it doesn't hurt AS much, but it still effin hurts. I leave her salon, smooth (albeit still in pain). Now I have to run down to the OTHER side of the highway, to pay my phone bill. Its 10 looong blocks, and this black shirt isn't making things better.

I get to to the place, pay my bill and realize I have to walk 7 blocks back the way I just came from to get to the train station. Oyy. So, I trudge along, picking up a bottle of soda (eww) for $2.19 (wtf? Why so expensive?) So now, $3 is all the money I have left in this world. [Side note: if any of you are interested in sponsoring a hungry brown child,

Whip My Hair

So, I'm like obsessed with this song. It's called "Whip My Hair", and its by Willow Smith (as in, the daughter of Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith)



This is just the teaser video, and in my not so humble opinion... it's good enough to be the actual video. Hell, I've been searching the internet for ways to be in the video lol. Usually, if a 9 year old girl had a song with lyrics such as" "Hop up out the bed turn my swag on. Pay no attention to them haters cuz we whip em off; and we aint doing nothing wrong. So dont tell me nothing, i'm just tryna have fun, so keep the party jumping", I'd be one of the first talking about how grown she is. But this song is just so fun, you don't get that feeling. It's a feel good message, and the song is stuck on repeat in my head. May just be my back to school anthem.

Best frienemies forever (BFF)

Sasha was my best friend in high school. We went through all of the things that high school best friends share with each other. Told secrets that nobody else knew (even to this day), invited the other to our homes. Worried about the future. Yet, I always felt like I was more of a friend to her than she was to me. That feeling gnawed at the back of my mind, yet i never let it stop me from fulfilling my duties as a bestie. Whenever Sasha had a problem, my phone was always on and I would always answer. Dragging her out of her house when she needed to be cheered up. Offering my dorm room as a refuge when she wanted to escape her family for the weekend.

 As usually happens, we somewhat drifted apart as we went to different colleges, made new friends, new relationships. One day, as I was at her house, she dropped a bombshell on me. She was dating this kid... that had made me sad for a period of time in high school. At first, I thought she was joking, because in her own words, he was evil! When it dawned on me that she was totally serious, I felt that nagging feeling again.

September 13, 2010 3:17pm

This morning, I woke up to loud banging outside my door. Like, LOUD banging. I get up and see some people down the hall, banging on my neighbors door. There's other people screaming outside of that neighbors window also. So I'm all confused, wondering where my mom and step dad are. As if on cue, my mother comes through the door. She tells me that her and my step dad were up early this morning, and they thought that something was rotting. As she was on her way into the building, a maintenance worker asked her when was the last time we saw our elderly neighbor. His family members were here, and they called the cops to break into the house to check on him. He died, all alone inside his apartment. I'm not sure what the medical cause is, the medical examiner isn't even here yet to legally declare him dead. In my opinion, I think he died of a broken heart. His long-time girlfriend recently died after a long bout with illness. They were both older people, and relied on each other for just about everything. After she passed about a month or so ago, he began to stay inside much more often.


In all honesty though, I don't know too much about the man. Hell, I don't even know his name! Which, makes me sad. I mean, how much do we really know about the people living around us? Back in the days, our families lived in communities. Now, we just live in neighborhoods. Ever changing, due to gentrification and the deterioration of family bonds in general makes me sure that I'm not the first person to be living next door to a dead human being without even being aware of it. So, his death has inspired me. I'm going back to my roots, community activism. Even have an event tonight. This is too unsettling to not fix

I'm a social media whore...

My name is Shaquana, and I'm addicted to social networks.

Whew, that's the first time I admitted that out loud, not joking around. As I type this article, I'm actively tweeting, trying to figure out my tumblr account and wondering why Facebook chat isn't working. Off the top of my head, I have 7 accts on networking sites.  (In order: Sconex, Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, foursquare, blogspot and  tumblr.) For the most part, I don't even use all of them and I have different alias' on each (my BBM name is Cinnamon Swirl if I remember correctly).
 So what is it about out generation that we have to keep in such contact with each other?

9/11/2010 pt I

Its hard to believe that its been 9 yrs since the attack on America. Like every New Yorker, and every American; I remember exactly where I was on that day. I was sitting in my 7th grade theater class, when there was a knock at the door. My teachers father also worked in the school, as a janitor. His father came in, and whispered something in his ear. My teachers face drained and he just said "Seriously?" A few of my classmates started getting called over the loudspeaker to come to the office a short time later.

Now, putting things into perspective: I was a precocious 7th grader, wrapped up in the drama of middle school. The day before, a few of the kids had gotten into a fight on the bus after school. They'd all gotten in trouble, and been told that it'd be dealt with the next day. So, in my next class the English teacher asked if any of us had heard what was going on. And, in my typical smart ass fashion, I replied "all the kids in that fight yesterday are getting suspended". He replied no, and told us that 'terrorists' had flown planes into the twin towers. Looking back, I had no idea what time this was. We were safe in our prepubescent cocoon. Terrorists? What the hell was a terrorist? Who were they? Why would they fly planes into a building?! HOW did they do it? The kids all talked amongst ourselves while our teachers conversed. These teachers were in their late 20's/early 30's. They were just as confused as we were.

The classes were emptying faster & faster as parents came to pick up their children. I heard my name, and just knowing that my mommy was there to save me settled some of the anxiety in my stomach. She hugged me when I made my way to the office, but ignored all of my questions about what was happening.

I live all the way in Coney Island, the southern-most tip of Brooklyn. My junior high was mere blocks from my house. And as my mother grabbed my hand and dragged me as fast as she could back to our apartment, it was snowing. This was a sunny September day, and all this powdery debris was floating down all around us. All these years later, that moment still stands out to me the most. Was that white powder drifting down on us paper? Steel? Was it the people that had perished and burned in a fiery death? A combination? The streets were empty, and white from the falling chunks. My mom and I passed by a group of cabbies, that had assembled in the streets, huddled together talking. They were Muslim, and my heart went out to them. From the bits and pieces of overheard information at school, Muslim extremists were behind the act and I knew it wouldn't be long before they would feel the wrath of wanna be vigilantes.

Home, safe. Or were we? The biggest fear for all Americans was "is it over?". Turning on the TV, I saw the images that we see every year on this day. A plane flying ever closer to one of the towers. Both of the towers on fire. The tower imploding. People leaping from buildings, because there was no way for rescue workers to reach them. Can you imagine, jumping from 110 stories high because the only alternative is dying in the inferno behind you? By this time, the media was reporting that there had also been an attack on the Pentagon and that some brave passengers had thwarted another attack and the plane that had been hijacked had crashed in Pennsylvania. Was someone going to come and drop bombs next? As a 12 year old scared to hell, my imagination dreamt up the most horrific things. My mother was trying to stay calm. At that time, my uncle was working for Morgan Stanley, and the office was in tower 2. Phone lines were jammed, with people trying to call and locate family members. Wait, my dad! Where was he? Did grandma make it home? One of my aunts called, on a borrowed cell phone. She and a bunch of strangers had run for their lives from their downtown Manhattan offices and were walking across the Brooklyn Bridge home. She'd call us when she got to Coney Island.

I was lucky. I didn't lose any friends or family on that day. But, September 11th changed everything about our lives. Donating food and supplies, seeing people volunteer at Ground Zero, being selfless and uniting as a nation helped us to recover from the devastation. Patriotism was at an all time high, with people uniting (out of spite?) to say "We Will Survive. We will get over this, and we will be better than ever". It wasn't the only thing that changed. Everyday, and in every way the innocence and naïvete that I had, that we all had as a nation, was shattered. We now know that America isn't invincible. That at any moment, our world can be shaken up by an outside force. That race & religion are once again the basis for discrimination.

Guess who's pregnant...

My mom is talking on the phone in hushed tones. She hangs up and calls my aunt, who apparently didn't pick up. She leaves a voicemail "Guess who's about to be a grandma? Sean got some girl pregnant, call me for the details". Me, being the nosey person that I am overhears and I'm shocked. Sean, the son of a family friend just turned 19 a month ago. He's one of those really immature kids, that seems to be forever stuck in second grade. That fact that this man-child is about to be a father is mind boggling. My cousin, sister, step sister and both of my god-brothers have all had children before their 20th birthdays.

Teen pregnancy is nothing new. It's been seen as a societal problem for decades. What is new, is the quasi-glamorization of teen motherhood and single parenting that almost makes it appealing. Most recently, being "16 and Pregnant" makes you eligible for a reality tv show on MTV; which in turn leads to being on the cover of  US magazine. Even ABC Family is getting in on the action, with their show "The Secret Life of the American Teen". A show highlighting the struggle of a good girl who gets pregnant. Then there's Sarah Palin, who's heavily pregnant teen daughter's baby daddy issues got more media attention than Palin's  own politics of making assaulted victims pay for rape kits. And we've all seen one (or twenty) of Maury's paternity test drama episodes. I wish I could say it all started with "Juno".

Such a 'cute' movie; she gets knocked up. Finds a great adoptive home for the little baby. Falls in love with the baby daddy and closer to her family in the process. Who woulda thunk that a stripper could write such a heart warming tale? Funniest part is, I went to see that movie over winter break my freshman year of college. It was a triple date, and one of the couples hadn't seen each other in months. So as we all laughed through the movie, they had (unprotected) sex in the back of the theater...

But obviously  "Juno" isn't the cause of it. So, why is it so 'cute' to be a young parent these days? Well, there's two things. First, it could be a reflection of what's been going on for years in this country, but has generally been brushed off as a problem for the underclass to deal with. Then again, it starts with the old adage "Sex sells". It's true, sex does sell. As the consumers get younger and younger, the marketing execs have to adapt to the tweens with all the purchasing power. These young girls are dealing with the hormones that come along with puberty, rebelling against the clothes that their parents want them to wear, and trying to impress the boys by copying what the older girls (and Miley Cyrus) are doing. There again, goes the sex. And let's not forget, this is the generation that was glued to the tv as all the news reports were about Bill Clinton gettin a little head in the oval office. So obviously, with sex being so in your face and out there for everyone to see, our youth are going to experiment earlier and much more frequently. Coupled with the Bush administration's sex ed courses being about abstinence versus prevention and there we go, our recipe for disaster is almost ready.

Beyond bringing back chastity belts, I'm really not sure what the remedy for this problem is. My parents' technique for keeping me from having kids young was part my mother's threats ("I'll kill you if you bring a baby in my house. Then kick you and the kid's asses out"). And part open, early discussions about sex. They sat me down together starting when I was about 4 or 5 years old and opened it up so that if ever I had a question, I could come to either of them and talk about it. I knew all of the scientific terms and how to prevent AIDS by the time I started preschool. Obviously, thats not feasible for everyone; considering how many parents feel uncomfortable having these discussions with their children or there both parents aren't available and open to speak to about the subject. Plus, I think I was the only kid cute enough to get away with telling the neighborhood hussy to use condoms when I was still a toddler. So, that's where I run out of ideas. Let's hear some of yours

Wishing on a star

I'm wishing on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishing on a dream
To follow what it means

Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era, especially when it comes to music. I just can't relate to these musicians. Their lyricism (or lack thereof) don't reach out to me the way an old school R&B joint can. I was raised on the Isley brothers, the Whisperers, Kiss FM's "Quiet Storm"... Yo Side of the Bed just ain't cutting it, sorry boo. So, I'm sitting in my room, thinking about "cuffing season". That magical season in which guys and girls find each other, and spend winter and fall gazing lovingly into each others eyes *insert eye roll here*. Yeah, okay. But still, it is nice to have a certain someone.

So as I sit here, alone in my room with just my iPod to keep my company, it comes on. Rose Royce, Wishing on a Star. That voice! Those lyrics. If you've ever been in love, or hell if you thought you were in love, this song just reaches out and grabs a hold of you.

And I wish on all the rainbows that I see
I wish on all the people who really dream
And I'm wishing on tomorrow, praying that it comes
And I'm wishing on all the lovin' we've ever done

I know I've hurt people in this 'game' of love. Never intentionally. But it's happened. I still love those guys,  would do anything in the world for them... And by the same token I've been hurt. Not heartbroken, yet it stung. Hell, even with that dude he said I hurt him. So, do I have a right to fall in love and expect it to be easy? Is love ever easy?

My parents aren't together. Neither one of my grandparents' marriages lasted. My god parents are divorced. My aunts are mostly divorced. One of my uncles had an open affair. One uncle is on his 3rd marriage. I've never been around anyone in a "normal" relationship.  Which makes me think some more. Is there such a thing as a normal relationship? Obviously no one expects things to be peachy all the time. But do all couple fight so frequently? And, if I've never seen a fully functional relationship (and maybe the guy I'm interested in hasn't either), then should we even be together?

Where do you go to learn how to love?

I feel it's time we should make up, baby
I feel it's time for us to get back together
And make the best of things, oh, baby
When we're together, whether or never

Or maybe I've hurt/been hurt by guys that I was attracted to because neither one of us really knew what we were doing? Maybe the key isn't to get involved with anyone right now, Until I've fully decided what I want, and where I'm headed and have made myself into the best mate for someone. Then you find someone who's on that same path. Doesn't that sound lonely though? What happens if you find someone who you're really into. But they don't have the 'credentials' that you wanted in a mate. Are you assed out? If you get with them regardless, citing love as the reason, are you a fool?

And I wish on all the rainbows that I see
I wish on all the people we've ever been
And I'm hopin' on all the days, to come and days to go
And I'm hopin' on days of lovin' you so

I don't know the answers, don't know anyone that does. There's no tidy little bow i whip out now to bring my ramblings to a close. Just hoping that I find a loving, respectful man to try this all out with

Invictus, pt I

I've been neglecting to write. Not just on here, but the way I used to. And i keep making excuses for it. "No, that's too personal to share." "No, only write when you're happy, or peope will think you wallow in misery." "Wait til you clear you mind, all these cluttered thoughts ruin the  point." And then today, I had my epiphany WHAT THE FUCK AM I AFRAID OF?!?

Anyone who reads this and judges me, is a fucking idiot. I'm a 21 year old (girl? woman?) young lady trying making the world around me; one day at a time. I'm both a saint and a sinner. I've done amazing things, and some shit that makes me hang my head. The point is I did them. So, my blog will be about me. What I did, how I felt, who I helped and how I'm changing the world. I don't have to impress anyone, and I'm not going to.

And furthermore, I intend to carry this battlecry out into the front lines of my life

"You either love me, or leave me alone"

By no means, does this give me the right to be obnoxious. Au contraire. By sugercoating things, I'm being fake. That's not me and I think it's more obnoxiou to only toot my own horn. As I strive to become a better writer, I'll become a better person. And vice versa. So starting RIGHT NOW, I'm going all "Master of my fate; captain of my soul".

Searching for that fire

When I was younger, I loved to write, perform, just be the center of attention. Somewhere between 13-21 I started letting the things in my life affect me, and stopped focusing on being happy. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and being able to come up with random songs, poems, skits and stories. That creativity is what got me so far in the first place. Now, I'm lost without that passion. So, I've made the decision that if I want that fire back I'll "fake it til I make it". Pretty much, I'm going to write everyday. And even if its terrible, I'm going to post it, and keep at it until I'm amazing again (guess I never lost that self confidence lol). I don't want to have a blog just because it's the "thing" for my generation. I want one, so  that I can share everything that makes me smile; and hopefully in the process put a smile on your face too.

...So far, I'm drawing a loss. But, I'm a good storyteller so I know that won't last too long

Oooh weee, my first blogged rant

Now let me start of with this: i KNOW that i have a tendency to over-react and curse/beat the shit out of people in the blink of an eye. So, if I'm wrong please let me know.

So we're planning this vacation right? It was supposed to be 3 people, including myself. One person flaked out at that the last minute. Not even telling us that they were flaking mind you. They had to be texted like "dude, where are you?" to which they responded that they wouldn't be able to make it. Ok, made the plans without them, life goes on. That particular flake has since then ignored text messages, phone calls, and fb messages. Again, life goes on. I understand that you may be going through some personal things that a)you don't want to talk about and b) you're not ready to take a vacation right now.

Again, I want to stress that nobody is holding that against you. But heres where the shit comes in. All of a sudden today, said flake speaks to the other person going on this trip and starts asking questions, saying that they wanna go. DA PHUCK?! Bitch, you ignored us for 2 wks. If whatever you were going through was so terrible you shouldn't have been all over FB and blatantly ignoring us. What's more, if it was that dramatic, how'd you get over it so quick? And, if you felt that we all weren't close enough for you to come to and confide to us, then thats fine. But why the fuck do you want to go on an international trip with people that you don't even like?!?!

So, I spoke to my mother about it earlier today. And she told me that I was over-reacting, and that part of being a good friend is to forgive people. But that maybe I should talk to 'The Flake' myself to clear the air. Ok, I grudgingly accepted her advice... 'The Flake" was gonna go home, and try to book the same flights/cruise as us, to see if she could get the same deal. All's well that ends well, right??

So, the other girl texts 'The Flake"... No response. Hmm, ok. She emails the girl... Still no response. She's online, she's on facebook. So she's purposely ignoring us. Am I wrong to want to slap the shit out of this chick??

Part of me trying to be mature is thinking about what I wanna say, rather than rolling up to her apt right now. Even this blog! The old me would have shouted her out by name AND linked her facbeook page. But I'm not doing that. And again, I ask for your advice... How should i handle this?

This time baby....

I started a blog 9 mths ago. And I was so half assed with it, that I don't even remember what it was called. Well, as part of me starting to become the person I want to be, guess it's time to get serious about everything I start. Plus, I need a place to vent and the internet seems to be the best place to do that these days. Soo, I'll be fixing this thing up, and posting at least once a day. I mean, what else do I have to do for the time being?